Tuesday, March 28, 2006
An emotionally charged day
Today was a day for unpleasantness. Today was the day, an intervention of sorts, when we were going to make sure it hit home for DH that things are NOT GOING WELL. He was coming to therapy with me. I have asked him before, and he basically said NO. Now was the time for him to understand that 'no' is not a choice. It's either do this, or move out. DH is somewhat of an old fashioned guy. He figures that if he isn't out drinking to all hours, chasing after women, and doesn't beat me then our marriage must be pretty darn good. Try to explain that there are emotional needs - not INTIMATE needs, emotional ones - that need to be met and his eyes glaze over. I have worked hard to get over some past issues, and all in all I think I have done well. See, I learned early on that sometimes people SAY one thing, but mean something else entirely. And that if you watch their body language and expressions, you can discern the real truth. I can do this so well, that if those expressive clues do not match with what is coming out of the mouth, it makes me anxious. I know they are lying to me. DH is one of those people that feels something, but does not express it outwardly. The clues I get are never in line with how he says he feels. So in effect, inside, I feel that he is lying to me and feels directly the opposite. He says he loves me and values me, but his outward expressions do not match that, so he must NOT love me and must NOT value me. The problem here is, DH never learned proper social interaction. He does not smile. He does not inflect. He does not look people in the eye. His posture does not indicate approachability nor friendliness. Many people remark that he is in a bad mood when he really is not. He never learned those nuances of communication. Sometimes it reminds me of a dog that was kept for breeding in a puppy mill, but was never a pet. They don't know how to play. They don't know how to express happiness and have trouble bonding with their new owners after being rescued. They weren't properly socialized and don't know how to be a dog. DH never learned how to be a PERSON. When you are a sensitive reader like I am, that leads to a whole lot of gut wrenching anxiety and buckets of unhappiness. DD is a reader as well. I can see her look at DH and how she reacts to what she thinks she is seeing coming from him. And it broke my heart! It's one thing for me to live in the unhappiness that I chose for myself, but no way am I going to let my daughter grow up and be as crazy as me. I am physically falling apart from stress and anxiety (my eye was twitching so bad I could no longer read, knit, or crochet). DD is getting in trouble and acting up at school, plus misbehaving at home. We are going down a road as a family that can only lead to bad places. Today, I think, we have started towards a new road. DH admitted he had a bit of a turning point when DD and I were away Friday night. Now, he didn't do anything different than if we had been at home. Watched a little TV, sang a little karaoke (oh shut up. Bad singing in the sanctity of our own home is allowed). Ate a snack, then went to bed. But he said the house felt so EMPTY without us there. Then he realized that this is what he is facing. This emptiness was about to become permanent. And he did not want that. He did some soul searching. Maybe his idea of what makes a good husband and father are wrong. Maybe going to work and coming home at night are not enough. Maybe there is more he can be doing. So now, today, we each came away with something. There were tears. There were things neither one of us wanted to hear, shaken in the air like old dusty sheets. And just like with the sheets, there is a residue we are still wearing. Sure, the sheets are cleaner and fresher after shaking, but the dust still hangs in the air. On the way home, we ran an errand. And DH pulled the car over three times, overcome with emotion and thanking the gods that DD and I are giving him a chance to make some repairs. We sat in the car, holding each other and rocking, crying like idiots, and laughing at ourselves as teenagers walked by wondering what the heck was going on in there! He is upset to be sure, but almost relieved - he half expected to hear that I was leaving him for somebody else. And I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I was able to communicate my needs, and had validation from a third party when DH claimed to hear something different than what I was saying. So. More drama. And that is okay, because I wouldn't be DancesInGarden without it. No pics today, my batteries are charging (both my emotional and camera ones lol).