Thursday, March 09, 2006

What is it about laundry?

Every time I fold and put away my personal laundry, all of a sudden I have an audience. DD needs to crawl and climb all over the bed and drag clothes out of the basket to comment. "My, these are big" as she yanks a pair of granny undies out and billows them in the air. "Never mind, give those back!" I snap as I snatch them away. DH comes out of the woodwork and decides he wants to have a serious conversation that requires my undivided attention and eyes right on him. Can you wait a moment while I fold my gigantic unders please??? Where were they when I was gathering this laundry? When I was hauling it down to the basement and sorting it into the washer? Where were they when I could have used a spare back to sling the wet clothes into the dryer? Or dragging the dry clothes out and into the basket? Or hauling them back up three flights of stairs? They must go where ever it is the cats go when it's time to leave for the vet, because I hear nothing but crickets chirping and my own heartbeat when they sense I need a pack mule. I was basically packing out of my laundry basket (yes, dear sister, packing. Now go to sleep and stop stressing about the state of our luggage). Which is not easy to do with two fashion critics eyeing every choice. "Why are you bringing that big old t-shirt? Why not the black one?". Oh, you mean the skin-tight black shirt with the emblem on the front that makes my chest look like it is popping off my body and might take out an eye? No, that is not for public consumption. "The other jeans are better". The other jeans are tight enough to leave welts around my waist and are much heavier denim. We are going to FLORIDA. Think hot and humid. I don't want to walk around in the equivalent of damp sandpaper that is trying to cut me in half at the middle. The comfy jeans with added lycra are going into the suitcase, and calling them "mommy jeans" will only cause you problems later, mister. "Oh look, another BIG pair of underwear". THAT'S IT! Both of you, OUT. Of course this whole time there has been a cat in the suitcase on top of the packed clothes (being covered at the moment by a pair of panties the size of a cotton parachute), another cat in the laundry basket trying to find a sock to steal, and a dog rooting around in the clothes I have laid out on the bed as possibilities. DH is handing me a bikini top to pack (that I bought back when I was thinner and he is really wishful thinking) and DD is now pawing through the clothes looking for more big underwear to gawk at. Don't they have their own packing to do? DH packs his own clothes. And it irritates him when I quiz him after he is done, to make sure he didn't forget anything. Underwear? Socks? Deoderant? Nice shirts without Ozzy on them in case we want to go to dinner? Shirts that are not running like pantyhose? Shirts that do not feature a hand holding a knife coming out of a green toilet with four inch tall letters spelling "Metal up your ass" splayed across the front? Bathing suit that you won't wear because you don't swim but have to pack just in case and to shut me up? When I said underwear, is it your NEWER underwear? Why is it that men will wear the same pair of briefs long after the elastic is shot and they no longer contain what they are meant to restrain? All the while having unopened packages of NEW briefs waiting to be put into the rotation. Sleeping in the same room as a six year old and not-so-tighty-whities is a combo I want no part of. Six year olds see EVERYTHING and ask questions in a loud voice in restaurants. I think I might do an underwear inspection before we leave, just in case. DH and I do pack for DD. Although I always ask her to pack for herself, just to see what she might put in. Usually it's lots of naked barbies, but mostly swimming stuff. She needs her flippers and goggles and snorkel. Pool noodle and floaty shark thing, swim wings and life jacket. Can't forget the diving rings and the inflatable raft. Almost forgot the beach balls! We point out not only can we not zip the bag shut, there aren't any clothes in there! "Oh!" She exclaims, and piles on a couple swimsuits and her hooded towel. We can see where her vacation priorities lie ;). I assure her that there will be plenty of pool toys where we are going, and if not we will hit a big lots or dollar store and get her some. Yes, I would rather buy 10.00 worth of floaties there and leave them behind than lug all that stuff with us. Usually we keep an eye out for arriving families and offer the toys to them, explaining they can keep the items or hand them over to ANOTHER family. Makes sense to us and I don't have to try and get a pool noodle into a suitcase. She gets to keep one or two naked barbies (the boy barbie MUST remain clothed, it is a house rule), the goggles, and the swim wear. We don't waste valuable luggage real estate on towels. Hotel pool towels aren't the greatest, but I don't have to carry them through two airports and across countless parking lots. So now I am packed, and have a travel outfit picked out and ready to go. DD is pretty much packed, we just have to put together her carry-on items to keep her happy in the airport and on the plane. Add a sudoku book for DH, and I will bring my knitting and a magazine. I might need another suitcase for all my medications, blood pressure monitor, and glucose testing equipment but we won't go there. Regretfully, I will be leaving DD's sweater behind. I have started the yoke and the colour work, and really want to keep going. But I have a gift to make that is due at the end of the month, and I want to use these Ruby-less days for some knitting/crocheting that does not come complete with dog hair woven in. My family has grown to accept that any item I make comes "adultrated", but I try to keep out-of-family gifts pet free. I don't have enough room in my knitting bag for both projects. Too bad. The sleeves aren't too short, it's just how I have them laying for the picture. I used some fuzzy brown yarn as stitch holders so it looked like hairy armpits LOLOL. Didn't think that was a good visual so I repositioned the arms.

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