Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Here is your homing device

I do believe that men are under the impression that all women are born with GPS systems to track each and every object a house contains. Sitting here, working dilligently at a very large and extremely complex piece of code (which roughly translates to "I have never used these commands before to do this action, and I hope to heck it works because I have no idea what I am doing"). Just looking at my frown, my strained posture, the fact that I have yelled at Ruby three times for touching my feet, any sane person would know that it is not a good time to ask me ANYTHING unless it contains the words "diamonds", "How many", "would you like", and "How large". Offering chocolate would be a good idea as well even in that case. But to interrupt me three times (once to ask what Bush was doing on the TV that I did not turn on and am not paying attention to, once to repeat something that Kelly Ripa said - don't even get me started on that, and once to ask about a household item). "Dear, have we lost a measuring cup?". Now, he had to repeat the word 'dear' a few times, ramping the volume with each one before I gave him a steamed look and spat out "WHAT?!?!". That should have been his cue to run away, but he isn't exactly astute sometimes. After hearing the question I was automatically seething. What the hell is that supposed to mean....did we lose a measuring cup. We have a freakin drawer full of measuring cups, am I supposed to count them every morning and evening like royal spoons??? Does he think I don't have enough to do, that I need to add to my load by keeping track of gd(oooh, bad word) measuring devices? Then it clicked that he was looking for a specific size and not finding it, and asking in a roundabout way (perhaps to make me lose my mind but for now we will assume he is not being malicious). In our house, when it comes to anything kitchen related there are three places anything could possibly be. In the dishwasher (clean or dirty depending), on the counter (most certainly dirty), or in the cupboard or drawer where it belongs (most usually not there though). Beyond that, if it isn't in those places, we might as well kiss it good-bye. For if it reached the inner sanctum of DD's toy room, it is gone for good I tell ya. Or worse, if I find it in the bathroom it goes straight into the garbage. Nothing can make a kitchen implement clean enough for me to use, once it has gone into the bathroom. Especially if I have no idea who put it there or why. We have a six year old in the house. I shudder to think of the possibilities. Trying to be sarcastic, my answer was "Yeah. I threw it out". Now, note that I don't even know what specifically he is looking for yet. But when he heard my answer he freaked. "That was my favourite measuring cup! How could you throw it out! I can't make my oatmeal without it!". Because clearly, one can only measure 2/3 cup of hot water with that ONE measuring cup as none other ever made has that marking. I reminded him once again of the "Three places to look" rule. It was in the dishwasher (Clean. He got lucky). How is it that a person who has his drum cymbals memorized (sizes, brands, more details than you ever want to know really) and can tell me the birthdays of every member of Judas Priest CANNOT find the ketchup in the fridge. I can overwrap something four times, mark it "boiled zucchini" and wedge it in the back of the freezer (behind the frozen turkey and on top of the sliced carrots) and if that package contains cookies or brownies I can guarantee he will wander upstairs later with it in his hands saying "What is this?". But if I SEND him down to get a package of frozen peas (sitting all by themselves on an entire shelf of a standing freezer) he is dead in the water. No way we can find those. And yes, I do have to tell him that frozen peas are found in the FREEZER or else he would never get even started. On our honeymoon, about two thirds in, he looked at me puzzled and said "Where is my shirt?". What shirt? He explained he had worn a shirt the second day, took it off, and dropped it on the floor. Then why are you looking in your suitcase for it? It seems he thought at some point I had washed and folded it and put it back in his suitcase, considering that is what his mother would have done. Boy, did he ever marry the wrong person if he thought THAT was going to happen. Seeing as we had been together every moment and he never once saw me near a washing machine I should have wondered then about his sanity. But it WAS our honeymoon so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Silly me. "Looking for something" means totally different things depending on who is doing it. DD looks for things by lying on the floor and whining that she can't find it ANYWHERE even though she hasn't moved from that spot. To DH it means standing in the middle of the room and loudly declaring he can't find something. Usually followed by the dreaded "Dear! Where is the.....". Then I answer with a few suggestions of where it might be. Whereupon he continues to stand in place, hands on hips, and yells "Well, I can't find it!". I am sure you have heard the saying 'if it had been a snake it would have bit him'. Not in this case. Even a snake is likely to shake it's head in disbelief over that one. I have taught Ruby to "get". If I say "go get your squirrel", she disappears upstairs. We hear her rummaging around, then triumphantly trots back down with the requested object. She can distingquish one toy from another as well. "Get your ball" usually sends her to the living room where she keeps it, whereas the pillow is always in the bedroom, but the squirrel can be anywhere. She usually remembers where she left it, but if not she will go from room to room and look. Now, we love Ruby dearly. She is lovely. More personality than any dog I have ever had. But she just is not smart (not in a conventional sense, anyhow). The fact that she can a)look for things, b) find things and return with them and c) continue to look when she doesn't find it where she expects it to be - well all that speaks volumes to me. Not that I am saying my husband is dumber than a dog that isn't too bright or anything. Okay. That is exactly what I am saying. Dh hates when I compare them like this. I agree it would be offensive to be told you are less smart than a dog that is afraid to walk by a new lawn chair in the yard. But I calls 'em as I sees 'em. This is the start of a poncho I am making for my godmother as a Christmas present. I love love love the yarn, got it from KnitPicks. It is an alpaca/silk/wool mix and I just wish you could see it in person. I love the rich colour and it's sheen and the feel of it. I am not a fan of garter stitch, but Frida from MagKnits is basically garter edges with a panel of leaves. Can one be crazy in love with a knitted panel of leaves? Right now I plan on making the actual poncho. But as I go along, it may become a wrap. Not because I don't like the poncho, but I want it to look classy. She is a special education teacher, and often waxes poetic about the neat things "Real teachers" wear (they make like double her salary even though she deals with more students and special needs at that). I think she would look smashing during yard duty wearing a wrap or poncho made from alpaca, silk, and wool! Plus that way I can make the other half and keep it as a wrap for myself ;). The poncho brought up a bit of a puzzler for me. The pattern is a repeat of 24 rows. The Irish hiking scarf is a repeat of 8 rows. I have one knit counter (Kacha kacha I think it is called?) and I love it. But they are way expensive here. Not too expensive to have one, but too dear to have several in your gear waiting to be used. I don't like the little ones that you twist (What do you mean, why not? because I am picky. Mind your business.) And as any knitter or crafter knows, more often than not we have several projects on the go. On any given day I usually have three fiber things 'on the needles' (or the hook, as usually one is crochet. I like to switch back and forth to minimize hand fatigue). With only one counter, what to do? Sure, I could somehow pin the row number to one project, reset the counter, etc. etc. but I prefer to keep the counter with the project until it is done to minimize the chances I will screw up. A pattern with 99 rows could be dealt with, but most patterns I use have a repeat of so many rows. That is where it gets trickier for me. So DD and I came up with this from bits and bobs around the house. This contraption counts the stitches, holds the needles, and I can clip my pattern to it along with clippers, attach any DPNs or cable needles, and so on. Not perfect, but essentially free. And since DD decorated it for me, certainly priceless. All it took was a blank card, a hole punch, some scrap paper, and some fasteners left over from another project. In case you can't tell, the 'spare' needle is poked through holes in the card through the knitting, basically "pinning" the working needle and stitches in place. You can't see it here, but a cable needle (okay, a bamboo DPN) is poked through the card on the other side to keep it handy. It is only used every eight rows, so I poke it back into the card when I am done with it. Minimizes the chances that a child or animal will run off with it. MINIMIZES. Not ensures. But we do what we can.

No comments: