Friday, June 16, 2006

Oh, Canada!

So it seems I have a "covet" problem lately. First it was the ipod, then it was pants. I have seen people in these interesting pants. Not quite sweat pants, not really spandex. Kind of like workout capris but not ratty or anything. They do have the characteristic white stripes down the sides like warm up pants. But women everywhere are wearing them. I never caught on to the 'sleep pant' craze even though they DID look comfy. But it just isn't 'me' to wander around in Winnie the Pooh pajama pants. Winnie the Pooh ankle socks, yes. Pajama bottoms? No. I hate socks, so I figure if I have to wear them I might as well make them show stoppers, right? I covet things, but I am also cheap. No way am I going to spend sixty dollars or upwards for a pair of lounge pants. Yesterday I was in a discount store, and lo and behold! My pants. Ten dollars. In my size. It was like the sky opened before me and cast a ray of light on these pants so I could see them in the disorder of the clothing section. They are red. They have white stripes down the sides. They are capri length and sort of flare a bit (which actually makes ones thighs look smaller, in case you ever need to know. Quite the optical illusion). However, the illusion stops there. They have the word "Canada" scrawled across the buttocks. Now, in the store, this didn't seem like such a problem. What difference did that make? I've seen pants with words on the tuchas before. At least it was my country, and not something like "Juicy" or "Bootylicious" or "junk". Just a tasteful script with no sparkles or sequins or moving parts. Just "Canada". I could pull that off. I woke this morning feeling pretty poorly. I am going through some health issues right now and don't ever feel "good". Most days I feel like I am coming down with the flu or maybe had an intense workout the day before (alas, that is never the reason). It isn't debilitating, but it is draining to always feel off. It is partly the reason I went for the ipod. I am hoping that a soundtrack with a fast beat and uplifting music will give me more energy. Well, I can hope, can't I? This morning was particularly bad. Struggling to get out of bed and moving and motivated, feels like I was stepped on like a bug. What better day to wear a pair of cheerfully red, optical illusion pants that make your thighs look smaller? A plain white t-shirt topped it all off and I looked pretty good, if I say so myself. Nice and cheerful. Brought some colour into my cheeks. It wasn't until I was brushing DD's hair and caught a glimpse of my own backside in the mirror that the day crashed and burned. What the heck! How can my butt be WIDER than a word that is written across the entire back of a pair of pants? And how come the words are up THERE and my butt is down THERE? What kind of factory writes words in the wrong place like that? It must be their fault right? I mean, there is no way that it is my actual butt that is too wide and too low. Say it isn't so! I can't tell you how upsetting it is to realize that you just don't have the body for 10.00 discount store red Canada warm up suit capris. I have to wonder what the karma gods were playing at.... making sure I saw these, in my price range, and in my size. What are they trying to tell me? And why does my ipod keep "shuffling" to the workout podcost over and over again? Could this be their evil work again? Is the cosmos trying to tell me something? Never mind that the doctor has been telling me the same thing for years. He's just a human being with a million dollars of schooling and intense years of training and experience behind him. What does he know? But the powers of the universe, well, one shouldn't ignore those. Call them karma gods. Call them powers of the universe or the cosmos or kismet. Call it fate or destiny or 'God's will'. Call it whatever you want. But I think they are trying to tell me something, and are using my backside as their message board. Xena was posing today so I got some shots of her, and boy does Ruby get jealous when I pay attention to the cats or DD more than her LOL. She was pawing at my arm and trying to pull my hair until I took a pic of her. What a brat.


Wanda said...

What?! No photo of your butt in those pants? ;)

The Cookbook Junkie said...

I'm sorry Dances, but writing on the butt is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It doesn't work for anyone.

But if you must put the name of a country on your butt, it should be Liechtenstein or Monaco - something small, KWIM? You don't want to be sending out the message that your ass is as big as Canada.