Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Shopping is hard work

Whew. Why do I always underestimate how much time it takes to go clothes shopping? One store, one sale, how long can it take? Two hours, that's how long. Then I had to do some actual WORK before blogging. Life is hard, eh? A piece of advice I want you all to remind me of the next time I go clothes shopping. Wear my slidey underwear. That's right. Slippery underwear is the key to efficient donning and doffing of outfits in the changing room. Clearly I was not wearing the right undies today. I would also appreciate if you would kindly and gently take anything out of my hands that has a back or side zipper. It is physically impossible for me to zip a side zipper on pants. I can twist, but then I can't make my arms and hands work right. It is quite a sad sight. Sort of like a beetle on it's back only more pitiful and just slightly less flailing about. The pants fit so nice and were such a good price that I considered having 'miss-size-two' come in and do them up for me. But then I figured it would traumatize her past the 'worth-it-for-minimum-wage' threshold and damage her for life. Plus, who will do them up for me at home? Back on the hanger they went. Back or side zippers on a skirt are okay. If you are wearing slidey underwear. And I was not. Too bad really. The clothes at this store fit me like a glove for the most part. But I am noticing a new trend in the shirt department. A lot of their shirts have sort of an elastic gathering under the neckline. I suppose it is to combat "uniboob" - a problem many of us curvey ladies experience when purchasing tops. But for some reason, that gathering never sits in the right spot on me. It sits like two inches too high for my chest. Either my breasts are sagging at an incredible rate or I need a new bra. Or every other woman in the world is built wrong and everything is two inches higher on their bodies. Yeah, that is the choice I like. Let me have my fantasies, alright? I managed to find three full outfits and a few bits and pieces to stretch what I already have. And a totally impractical green stripey tank top that was so horrific that I couldn't resist it. It fits absolutely perfect and the pattern is bright and bold enough to raise the hair on the back of your neck. 'Miss-size-two' told me I was the very first person to be brave enough to buy one. You just watch, next week they will be on clearance for 25% what I paid. But I had to have it, I tell you. If you see a fluffy person walking around the Chicago area next week in a hideous green striped tank top, it just might be me. Come on over and say HI! As for shoes, I have convinced myself that nobody is going to look at my feet or care that I wear the same shoes every day. If indications point to otherwise, I will pull out the big guns. Not THOSE big guns (and cleavage never really hurts you know). I have a big chunky necklace that borders on atrocious that I love to wear for business. You can downsize an entire branch office and they will go right along with it, staring hypnotically at the homely thing. Sometimes other departments are willing to give me whatever I want, so long as they can get out of the room and away from the horribleness of it. I have a brooch as well that works for the same purpose - it's ugliness reaches almost impossible proportions. I think I am the only person I know that can see an accessory, then exclaim "That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. I. MUST. HAVE. IT.". Shoes, costume jewelry, purses, fabric patterns, you name it. It is a blessing that I am not into hats, at least for DH's sake. While I was out I also picked up some nail polish (everything I have looks so 80's. Probably because that is when I bought it), some orange yarn to make a pumpkin hat for a baby shower gift, and of course knee highs and trouser socks. I am lucky to get one use out of such things. I am a stocking run waiting to happen. I must be the only person in the world that can sit completely still and manage to pop a ladder in my hose, which goes from the top of the thigh right to toe-tip in seconds. It's like I chemically reject the filmanents they are made from. And you would understand the insult of that if you ever saw what gyrations I go through to get pantyhose on and off. Even my own husband is not allowed to see that happen. Knee highs and trouser socks are certainly not immune to the destruction, but at least I don't have to get in touch with my inner yoga to put them on. I remember a friend once telling me in great detail how she washes her hosiery (by hand in the sink, carefully squeezing dry and never wringing, and hanging over a sweater rack). All I can remember thinking is "other people can wear them more than once?". I think I might bring the supplies for the hat for the airport and flight. I don't know though. I've never had trouble bringing straight needles on an airplane. But working with dpns...well...your WIP looks so threatening with all these sharp things poking out. People and dogs eye me warily when I work on a small project with DPNs. It's like any minute they expect me to start swinging it above my head and use it as a mace or something. If I pack all that into my checked bag and work on the wrap it is less threatening, but requires more counting. Which is fine if I can sit in solitude and knit and sip coffee. But if somebody strikes a conversation with me, well, I am doomed. I can knit and carry on a conversation, but I cannot count and do anything other than breathe. And sometimes that is a stretch. I have two other scarf projects (one on the needles, another waiting patiently in line for it's turn), but the length of such a piece makes it unweildy in no time flat. And in this heat, I don't want to have a wool scarf flung around my neck to keep the completed end off the floor. Oh well. There is still time to decide. If you ever wanted absolute proof that I live in a parallel reality, let me tell you this. Not only do we have THREE working light sabers in our house, but they are used regularly. That is right. They are used for such things as scaring the child into her bed, harassing the dog (which no longer works - dwell on the fact that our dog is SO OVER the light saber thing that she no longer even reacts to them), harassing the cats (which still works), scaring the fish (sad sad sad), and much much more. No more need for a flashlight, when a light saber is so handy. And if you do happen to find the bogey man under the bed, you have your handy dandy light saber at the ready to run him through. Save me. They light up, and when you turn them on the light starts at the hilt and works it's way up, just like on the movies. It makes the same start up and shut down noise, and they crackle, hiss, and sizzle as you move them around and touch things with them. They are way cool. But do we really need three? Which will be five, if he can find Ben Kanobi and Mace Windu. Did I ask you to save me yet?

No comments: