Wednesday, August 30, 2006

It has stopped raining, for now

So finally the rain has stopped. It is cool and sunny out today, and there are tomatoes to pick, and the sunflowers look like they might start blooming soon - they were planted way late by seed so I am surprised they came up at all. Last night I was able to get many things cleared away, even if it took until after midnight. My niece came over to help me clean and sling some stuff around. We went through DD's clothes to weed out what doesn't fit anymore and re-arranged her drawers to make room for a fall wardrobe. She also kept dd content and busy reading her stories so I could take a shower uninterrupted. Funny how life goes, I am home all day and yet some days don't have a chance to take a shower. Ick, for sure, but that is the way it is. DH was out for the evening, and didn't come home until very very late. And he came bearing wonton soup (more on that later) and a recomendation for a housekeeper. I have been so sad lately. And really, it wasn't good for any one of us. Things were getting worse and worse between DH and I, between DD and I, and the house was ready to be condemned. "Hitting the breaking point" does not even come close to covering it. On top of all that, there are stressful things going on at work and with my health, and with my family. Too much all at once, and I felt abandoned really. DH would say "Do you want to talk about it?" and act all caring, then immediately downplay everything I said. DD is not respecting me and starting to show signs of separation anxiety - his response was "She only does that for you". I feel like crap, my hip is trying to kill me, and I feel sick all the time because I am not used to my new meds yet - "Just don't think about it. Work through the pain. Just ignore feeling sick". I felt I had no support at all and constantly undermined me with DD. Spiraling downwards in all aspects of life. Not a good way to feel, folks. No matter what I have ever gone through, it has never once occurred to me that taking my own life would be a possibility. I never realized that having thoughts of not wanting to BE anymore were the same thing. I didn't want to kill myself, but to be able to just drift off to sleep and have it all be over was kind of attractive. A 'lurker' called me on this, and I am quite grateful for that. In fact, I think it might have helped me snap out of it a little. Kind of like "What the heck am I THINKING?". Apparently I am the talk of my extended family. My sister told my cousin that things weren't going well, and my cousin told her husband, and her husband told their mutual union rep, who said HAVE HER CALL ME NOW. This guy may be the rep, but he is also a friend. From the first time he met DH he has prodded him that he needs to be a better husband and father. This guy works insane hours and has his own health problems, but still finds time for family AND makes his wife feel like a goddess. He is one of the best fathers I have ever met and you can just see that his family is his priority. Dh respects his opinion as well, which is a big thing because DH doesn't listen to most people. He doesn't respect the therapist which is why we are right back at square one. As soon as things got dicey and he was expected to step up to the plate and prove some changes he claimed he is making, the whole plan got dumped. So I called. And we cried on the phone together for a while LOL, and he said "I will spend some time with your husband, and take my word for it. If I can't whip him into shape I will move him out of your house and arrange a lawyer myself". So he called DH and invited him out to talk shop and shoot a few games of pool, maybe have a couple drinks etc. And DH jumped at the chance, hell I would jump at the chance to get out of here for a while too. When DH got home, I was in bed reading. I had told him once that when I was a kid, one of my fondest memories was of late night chinese food with my parents. No matter how crazy the day had been, how long my parents had been away or who had been at the house or what had happened, somehow, as we spooned up wonton soup in the wee hours of the morning, everything seemed alright. I felt safe and wanted, like we were a family. When he held out the container I felt like crying again. And I have spent more time in the last week or so crying than I ever have in my life. I said "What does this mean?". It means that he wants to try again. And he will pay for a housekeeper to come and do the chores that I can't do. So we can spend more time being a family and less time fighting over stupid things like floor sweeping and who puts the groceries away. He has said this before, and the money never materialized, and he even went so far as to send cleaning staff away. Why the change of heart now, when as of yesterday it was stupid and lazy to get a cleaner? "P. said if he calls back and you are still sad, he will make me move out and see that you get full custody of DD" and he teared up. His hands were shaking. "I don't want to lose you both over a stupid floor. It's just that after I work all day I just want to come home and relax. And I figure you've already been home all day, and your surgery was so long ago why aren't you better yet. P. told me his sister had the same surgery 15 years ago and still can't vacuum or carry laundry. I guess I thought you were making it up". We made a list of our "issues", and why they were issues for us individually. We made a set of "RULES". Such as no TV before dinner, and no TV if there are things to be done in the house. I agreed to stop keeping DD out after 8pm during the week, and to do certain things earlier in the evening so bedtimes weren't as hectic to begin with. He promised that when he is on afternoons he will get DD ready for school so I can either sleep in or work (depending on my schedule) and when he is on days, they will do a 'pick up blitz' right before bedtime to get things up off the floor. Any laundry that needs carrying down will go into a certain hamper, and DH will bring it down first thing in the morning. After dinner he will bring up any laundry baskets from the basement, then sweep and swiffer the kitchen floor as soon as the dishes are away (or right after he makes his dinner for afternoon shift). Two weekends a month he will get up early and make a special breakfast with DD while I sleep in or take a shower. Every night before bed we have agreed to discuss the day, and whether or not things are going well and how we will fix it, rather than fighting for days and letting things pile up and get nasty. And if at any time I reach the point where I am now again, he will voluntarily move out. We have done something like this before, but basically the therapist and I wrote it and he just signed it - I think to just get it over with and get out of there. This time I made him come up with his own issues and responses to mine, and write his own conditions with no prompting. He is scared to death, ladies and gentlemen. Scared witless. Maybe it might help this time. He promised that he and DD will prime the workout room tonight, and paint it tomorrow. This weekend he promised to finish at least the floor (the ceiling I could care less) and make arrangements to have the treadmill brought back in. We might buy the weightbench as well if the floor is done. If he doesn't finish by Sunday night, he has agreed (I have it in writing!) to hire somebody to do the work. I am looking forward to a completed workout room so I can get going on my new plan. It was another emotional night, and I am not going to lie and say that I feel relieved. We've already been through this before. Heck, I am just glad somebody swept the damn floor.

9 comments:

parhelia said...

(((((((HUGS))))))) I really, really hope this works out for you guys!

Anonymous said...

Dances -

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. And you do need a house cleaning service!

May I also recommend a Roomba robotic vacuum? I don't know how your house is laid out, of course, but I have the kitchen, utility room, and dining room with hard floors (vinyl & tile). I run the roomba every day.

It is a bit noisy on the hard floors, but I find it becomes "background" noise after a few minutes.

It is quieter on carpet, of course. Mine does a wonderful job picking up the pet hair (three white cats, one black dog, dark green carpet - ARRGH).

Anyway, it works well on both types of flooring, and you just put it down and let it go. That's the best thing, of course. It's a robot, and runs itself. It can't get absolutely every crumb from an inside corner, but it really does a damned good job.

Here in the US one runs about $150.

Mine was a birthday gift, and I thought it a bit silly at first, but it really has changed my life. No more wading through pet hair and crumbs to get the broom or vacuum to clean up enough to cook dinner!

www.irobot.com

Mary

anette said...

okay, sounding better. i do understand your hesitance. theres a "honeymoon period" after a blowup like this. hopefully he truly sees the need to change. the offer of a week at my house is still open.

Anonymous said...

((dances))

mandi said...

((BIG HUGS)) Dances. I read everyday but don't leave a comment, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping it all works out for the best - what ever that may end up being.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dances,

I stop in at the KT...Alot! I'm just to shy to post. But I was
really saddened to hear of the sadness you've been feeling, and I really wanted to respond to you.

You've just gotta check out FlyLady.net!
She and her crew will change your life, with baby steps.
She always tells you, you are not behind, start where you are. She helps you keep your house company ready all the time, with 15 minute routines on a timer, 27 boogie flings, (decluttering) The swish & swipe, keeps your bathroom clean. I love that one, it's takes about 40 seconds.
She has something new this year, that I think ├Żou and your little daughter would love, and make her feel so good about herself. DD would have her own routines.

She sends out a bunch of emails each day, as reminders. Some people whine about the amount of emails. But, after you know what they are about, just delete them.
Some are testimonials from people who are doing the routines that can really touch your heart, or uplift you, or what ever. I love them.
There is soooo much more, and I haven't explained it very well.

I hope you'll check it out, I think your husband will get into it too.

I wish you and your family the best Dances,

Zazz

chancesmom (Janet) said...

((Dances))

Glad to see you back blogging and hope things work out a bit better from now on.

Restless Knitter said...

I truly think communication is one of the biggest keys to success in a marriage. Learning to actually listen to what's being said, instead of just hearing the words and planning on how to respond, can make a huge difference. It sounds like your husband is willing to listen now.

Someone suggested flylady. I never followed it exactly (put my shoes on everyday? heck no), but I did pick up a few things that helped me keep a little bit cleaner house. My husband learned to do a few of those things too, so it isn't only for you.

I hope things continue to improve for all of you.

Zarine said...

Dances, I'm so sorry to see how this is all affecting you. It's the same pattern with my parents. May I suggest that both you and he see a psych dr (not just a theripist)? It turns out that my dad (much like what you are describing your husband) also has depression and OCD (he doesn't want to do anything because he is obsessed with getting it right and doesn't want to be seen as a failure). I know Canadian medical care is different, but I guarentee that the perscribing doc who will both listen to you guys AND perscribe is better than just a behavioralist. Good luck! I work in the Ren Cen if you ever want to get together and talk!