Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The law of averages
The law of averages basically states that if there is a slim chance of something happening, that eventually it will. It is the promise of a payoff, this law, that keeps people putting their quarters in slot machines and saying "hit me" at the card tables. It is what makes us buy those lottery tickets for years.....if we buy them long enough eventually we have to win SOMETHING. Right? Well, in this house the law of averages works a little differently. There is still a payoff, but it comes more often than wanted and usually is not so desirable to begin with. You see, in this house there lives a man, a child, and several animals. And when you live with such creatures as men, children, and animals....well....things could happen. Things like hairballs. And poop. Mostly hairballs and poop, really. One hopes that these items would come from the animals (okay, really, we hope they don't happen at all) but when living with men and children - well things happen. The law of averages has nothing to do with the poop or hairballs themselves, no, they are a static. A standard. A given. The payoff is who exactly will STEP in said item and track it through the house before noticing. While I have encountered my fair share of land mines (we are talking hot hairball juices between the toes in the dark here), I tend to notice before I have trudged it through every room and spread it across each carpet. But then again, I tend to walk around barefoot. DH and DD like to wear slippers. And when you step in a "deposit" wearing slippers sometimes it is hard to tell that you did it, and increases the chances that you will track it across the floor before you realize what is going on. And still, the law of averages has not come into play yet. Oh no. It is not the stepping, it is not the tracking. It is the argument and DENIAL. "It wasn't me". Never mind the offending slop is ON THEIR SHOE as they speak, and the tracks follow their each and every move and end at their heels. THIS my friends, this is where the law of averages kicks in. Because my reply to said disbelief is usually "The law of averages says two things. One is that the more frequently a thing happens, the more likely it is to happen again. Number two is that the longer you go without a certain thing happening, the higher the chances it will occur. Unfortunatly when it comes to stepping in poop or puke, the lady fate has it in for you". My husband has the unique ability to be standing in a foot-high pile of warm dung, then looking perplexed and asking me "Do you smell something?". I have mentioned before he is not perceptive, and I was not kidding folks. DD usually notices a little sooner, but she gets absolutely distraught and will cry hysterically because poop, pee, and vomit are the dirtiest of all dirt and she just can't hack it. We come running thinking she has hurt herself badly to see her holding a poopy flipflop with tears just streaming down her face. Now, speaking of the law of averages. Just what were the chances from the title of this post that it would be about poop? If you know me at all, you should have known better ROFLMAO! One of these little events happened just moments ago, and I nearly had a stroke when I went upstairs to find that DH had LEFT THE MESS tracked everywhere and was back down watching tv. He did take the time to wash his slipper, however. How nice of him. Now if only he would have noticed that the cat had missed the litterbox before spreading it hither and yon. And he blamed the dog. Men.