Thursday, September 07, 2006

The secret life of a slug

Today is one of those days. The kind of day when it is best to wrap yourself in your softest quilt, sip hot chocolate and watch daytime tv. I'm kinda sniffly snuffly and need some couch time. Yesterday it was raining when I got DD from school and while I used an umbrella, my feet got pretty wet. When will I learn that my dark blue jeans are TOO LONG when I am wearing tennis shoes? They drag in the puddles. And cloth tennis shoes with holes/cracks in the bottoms and no socks are a recipe for disaster in the rain. So the TOP of me was dry and toasty, but I was soaked from the knees down. Then we went right to the mall to get DD's pants shortened (we won't even get into that, it's a blog for another day when I have the strength). We went to an alterations stand that has a "15 minute jeans and pants hemmed" promise. I wrangled the pants onto DD in a fitting room too small for a broom closet - I don't think a broom would fit that is - not to mention for my big arse and a whiny child. They marked them, then remarked them because there is no way only one inch had to come off, I checked them myself and almost five inches could be cut. And that was to bring them to the floor when she was in her shoes! I think I would have a fit if I paid to have pants hemmed and she was still stepping on the cuffs. Then I repeated the wrangling part for a second pair of pants, then a third time to get her original outfit back on. I paid, then found out that the 15 minute hem job will take an hour and a half, at least. Now, I have a question. In my experience, 'one hour cleaners', 'one hour processing', '15 minute plain hems', and 'no waiting guarantee' are all a big pile of crappola. I have never had my clothes dry cleaned in an hour, my photos processed same day (let alone in an hour), always have to wait, and my 15 minute hems take an hour and a half. At least. Why do these places make promises there is no way they can keep? Because schmucks like me fall for it, that's why. So since we had a wait, we decided to eat at the mall and do a little clothes shopping. Clearly, my soaked feet and wet jeans were affecting my ability to make proper decisions (and nothing feels more disgusting than wet denim, if you ask me). What was I thinking? Eat at the mall. Do some clothes shopping. Know what is worse than a whiny, crazy nutball child at the mall? A whiny crazy nutball child hopped up on taco bell and hiding in clothes racks, that's what. I have decided I hate trying on clothes with DD in stores. The rooms are too small, I hate wrestling her shoes off and new clothes on (it's like dressing a noodle), then trying to rein her in because she is dancing all over the store in her new outfit. The last store was a REAL treat. No dressing rooms, just a few curtains hanging from the ceiling. She would bump the curtain and the whole thing would sway, and give me vertigo like you would not believe. And she kept squealing that somebody was going to see her, because it was just a curtain ring. Odd, the child that will dance in front of the patio door naked from a bath is worried that somebody might see her underwear in a store. Perhaps it is the Barbie underwear she is protecting. By the time we were done, I was exhausted and 'carsick'. Now today, I just want to be a slug. A big, down wrapped, chocolate sipping, tv watching slug. Ruby keeps looking at me and saying "Why fight it? Come take a nap. A nap would be good. I won't even try to drink from your cup or anything. Let's go take that nap. Just don't let the cats up". Trying to hypnotize me with those little bug eyes and long eyelashes. She batts them at me, and closes her eyes halfway to look pitiful. And she pouts. It's amazing how many expressions pugs have. And it's starting to work, because that nap sounds just about right. And as far as drinking from my cup? Don't trust her for a minute.

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