Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Inevitable laws of the universe

There are many inevitable laws of the universe. For example, the toast law. The toast law states that the chances of your bread landing topping-side down on the floor increase proportionately with the stickiness rating of the topping, and the fuzz factor of the floor. Peanut butter and jam versus white shag carpet? We all know how it will end. Dry toast on linoleum? The toast will cling to the plate and refuse to make the jump. There is also a secondary law that applies to toast, bagels, muffins, in fact any bread products where a topping is applied and the item is brought to the mouth. It deals with white shirts or important papers and the likelihood of dripping said topping, but we won't go into it here. (It is too complicated, what with the clauses that deal with hidden drips and becoming aware of them only while giving an important presentation in front of shareholders or important clients, or breast shelf targeting, that sort of thing). Another inevitable law, is that no matter how hard you try, your child is going to eat the messiest thing possible at the worst possible moment. The cheesies minutes before leaving for the birthday party. Chocolate drool is helpless against the irrisistable pull of a white flower girl gown. Sticky sucker residue in the hair on picture day. Anybody who has ever met a child most likely knows something of this law, and the fact that it has a ricochet effect. The messiness often includes more than JUST THE CHILD. Other children in party clothes, adults wearing clean white shirts, well meaning brides in stark white dresses that cost more than my car. By the time you realize what is going on, it is far too late. Ask me how I know, as I bleach out the cheesie handprints from my favourite white gauze blouse (and just so you know, white gauze blouses are very much in fashion right now, and camisoles are NOT, so just deal with seeing my bra. It is a pretty bra. Get. Over. It.). Since moving into this house, we have discovered yet another inevitable law of the universe. And it deals with some odd geological phenomenon surrounding our property. If there is a piece of junk, flotsom, jetsom, trash, litter, garbage, abandoned machinery, anything unwanted and unclaimed, it will eventually find it's way into our yard or onto our boulevard. A busted shopping cart 15 blocks away in the park takes (on average) a week to make it to our house - where it stays until we make arrangments to get rid of it. Cardboard cartons have variable travel times, depending on how big and unwieldy they are, and whether or not they are wet and dirty. Plastic bottles, newspapers, junk mail and inserts, well, those are pretty immediate because the communal mail box is right at the back of our lot. We asked the city for a garbage can and were denied. We placed our own garbage receptacle there and were advised to remove it, only city approved garbage bins are allowed on "public" or government property. We aren't sure which applies to the general surroundings of a mail box, but it doesn't really matter does it. We pass stuff in our neighbourhood and make bets on how long it will take to get to us. I am starting to think we should rent a truck once a week and go around gathering this garbage, then bring it right to the dump. Cut out the middle man, so to speak. Then again, all those kids that would normally spend their time pushing the broken cart and kicking the cartons would have nothing ELSE to do with that time, and a crime spree will ensue. Like a rock and a hard place, my friends. Just a side note. The tv is on, and I am not really watching. But there is a news conference on right now with 'gov-elect So-and-So'. Well, that is what the red white and blue banner at the bottom of the screen says. I am Canadian, what do I know for governors. My beef? While we can hear the replies, we cannot hear the reporters questions. And they are LONG questions. So there are long gaps of a faint "mwah wa wah" and then his answer. Who knows if he is even answering the questions they are asking? "Is it true sir that you are a cannibal and have seventeen chinese nationals in your home and plan to eat them?". His answer "I have no plan to raise taxes at this time". "Sir, you were seen hacking into voting terminals and effectively stuffing ballot boxes. Do you have any response to these allegations?". His answer "I believe that the answer is to educate our youth, put the values back into the family and give our kids the best opportunity we can for a bright future". Hmmmmmm. Side note over. I know nothing about politics, let alone in a different country. Well, against another inevitable law of the universe, there may be good news about my car. See, the inevitable law is that the minute you have a spare dollar, karma invents situations to suck it right out of you. Just when I thought I had enough to finally buy the fridge I covet, BAM. My transmission goes. My winter coat falls apart and my boots from last year are missing. DD grew four sizes in a year and didn't fit into her old winter coat, and her canoe sized feet no WAY fit in her boots. The animals are due for vet visits. The list goes on and on. It seems this time though, the universe decided you CAN'T get blood from a stone, and toned it down a tad. Sure, it still sucked every last dollar out of the fridge account, but I am spared the humiliation of trying to sell my body (and finding out I have to actually sell body parts and organs because I am not marketable in any other way, and every part I do have is damaged so I have to offer them at a deep discount. I have bad eyes, heart, and kidneys. An inherited skin disease. An x-smoker so I don't think my lung tissue is useful to anybody. I can't even donate my hair because it is dyed. My blood is flawed and useless. I wonder if I could still sell plasma. Hmmmm). They were able to reseal the transmission so I don't need a new or rebuilt one. The vet visits can be put off because they seem healthy and it wasn't for shots anyway (just a "well pet" visit which is a different way of saying "pay me to look at your pet for no good reason"). My niece was given a brand new coat and boots that are way too small for her and fit DD perfectly so passed them on. I have a gift certificate for a store that has coats on sale next week. And who needs boots if you can't feel your feet anway ;). Just kidding. I can at least feel that purple toe, and Barney likes to be warm. We found my boots behind the shed in a plastic bin. I don't recognize the bin and don't remember putting them back there, but they aren't covered in blood or anything so I am going to wear them in good spirit - and hope they weren't used in a crime spree.

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