Friday, September 08, 2006

I am a fashion "don't"

I have a problem. Specifically a bra problem. No matter what I do, and how I adjust them, my bra straps always fall down my arms. Add that to my propensity to wear sleeveless tops, and you have a recipe for a fashion disaster. Even if I adjust the straps so short that my breasts are now where my earrings should be, they still find a way to creep down my arms. My shoulders do not slope, and they are not narrow. In fact, I am built like a linebacker, if you must know. My broad shoulders have been a shame in my family since I was a child. Imagine sitting in a room full of tiny, fair, birdlike creatures when you are dark, broad, and sturdy as a clydesdale. No matter how graceful I was, I would always seem oafish next to them. They were delicate as fine china, I was thick and useful like stonewear. Even my eyes betrayed me, decidedly NOT blue in a room full of recessive genes. And may I add, I am the only one in the room whose bra straps slip down her shoulders. It's like I reject them or something. Thin straps, thick straps, straps with moleskin that are supposed to grip. Foam straps, rubber coated straps that ate into my skin in increments starting at my collarbone and ending just above my arm fat area (what is that area called anyway?). Custom fitted bras that were hand sewn and cost an entire paycheck slip just as quickly as a discount department store sale bra. I even tried one of those holders, that is supposed to connect the two straps and hold them up. My straps still creeped down, only now my arms were wired to my sides and I could barely move them. In fact, I couldn't unhook my bra to remove the connector either, it was like being trapped in the naughty version of a straight jacket. It was suggested that I purchase those clear straps, so that they would be less noticeable. But they had no give at all and I ended up with horrible, welted hives. How about the kind with rhinestones so at least they are pretty? Sounded like an excellent idea. Except that the rhinestones keep catching on everything and making pulls in my clothes. They caught my favourite sweater and made a pull that I can't fix, which upset me enough to throw the bra away. Never mind we were out to dinner at the time. At least I went into the bathroom to remove it, years ago I would have whipped it off at the table. I can't tell you how many times other people have pushed the straps up for me. DH, DD, my sisters. Personally, I just gave up and let them do whatever they want. If they want to slip down, great. But admittedly it seems to bother those around me. So much so, that a person dear to my heart whom I will not name, saw fit to MAIL me an article on fashion don'ts, circling the part about visible bra straps. There were several more items on that list that I am guilty of, but she doesn't see me that often and when we visit I tend to dress for "company". We will just keep those other offences secret for now, thank you. Although one of them is visible panty lines. Sorry, I don't care if thongs minimize those lines. I would rather people see my panty lines and be assured I wear grannie panties, rather than no lines and live with the horror of thinking I am wearing a thong. That is an image and nightmare I wouldn't impose on ANYBODY. I'm just saying. Perhaps I will do an internet search and find a picture of a person wearing a strapless shirt with a bra underneath, print it out, and mail it back with a message (made from cutting and pasting letters from a newspaper) that says "COULD BE WORSE". Tee hee! On the knitting front, I am making progress on the poncho-turned-wrap. Every day I am more and more affirmed that this will be a wrap rather than a poncho. Each repeat is maybe three, four inches long. If there are no interruptions, I can finish a repeat in an evening. Now we can all laugh like loons, because saying no interruptions is like saying "if we lived in space I would be weightless". While it may be true, it isn't likely to happen, is it. I still love this piece, and like most knitting the picture doesn't even close to give it justice. I might just cry when I give it away. I have abandoned the poncho for DD (remember? Blue and green, tree, bush, birds, cat bunny and dog or somesuch LOL), at least insofar as the yarn she chose. Novelty yarns are just too difficult for me to use. My hands and arms and eyes just can't take it, and I don't like the feel of the fabric when I hold a strand of novelty with a worsted weight to give it more bulk. I could maybe buy a larger size needle in a circular, but I think I would rather just go with a worsted weight yarn and hope for the best. And the good news is, I get to go YARN shopping because I don't think I have blue worsted weight yarn in my stash. Darn ;). Her birthday is in roughly one month and I would really like to have it done as a present for her. The way I see it, if I give up sleeping and/or eating I might have a chance.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The secret life of a slug

Today is one of those days. The kind of day when it is best to wrap yourself in your softest quilt, sip hot chocolate and watch daytime tv. I'm kinda sniffly snuffly and need some couch time. Yesterday it was raining when I got DD from school and while I used an umbrella, my feet got pretty wet. When will I learn that my dark blue jeans are TOO LONG when I am wearing tennis shoes? They drag in the puddles. And cloth tennis shoes with holes/cracks in the bottoms and no socks are a recipe for disaster in the rain. So the TOP of me was dry and toasty, but I was soaked from the knees down. Then we went right to the mall to get DD's pants shortened (we won't even get into that, it's a blog for another day when I have the strength). We went to an alterations stand that has a "15 minute jeans and pants hemmed" promise. I wrangled the pants onto DD in a fitting room too small for a broom closet - I don't think a broom would fit that is - not to mention for my big arse and a whiny child. They marked them, then remarked them because there is no way only one inch had to come off, I checked them myself and almost five inches could be cut. And that was to bring them to the floor when she was in her shoes! I think I would have a fit if I paid to have pants hemmed and she was still stepping on the cuffs. Then I repeated the wrangling part for a second pair of pants, then a third time to get her original outfit back on. I paid, then found out that the 15 minute hem job will take an hour and a half, at least. Now, I have a question. In my experience, 'one hour cleaners', 'one hour processing', '15 minute plain hems', and 'no waiting guarantee' are all a big pile of crappola. I have never had my clothes dry cleaned in an hour, my photos processed same day (let alone in an hour), always have to wait, and my 15 minute hems take an hour and a half. At least. Why do these places make promises there is no way they can keep? Because schmucks like me fall for it, that's why. So since we had a wait, we decided to eat at the mall and do a little clothes shopping. Clearly, my soaked feet and wet jeans were affecting my ability to make proper decisions (and nothing feels more disgusting than wet denim, if you ask me). What was I thinking? Eat at the mall. Do some clothes shopping. Know what is worse than a whiny, crazy nutball child at the mall? A whiny crazy nutball child hopped up on taco bell and hiding in clothes racks, that's what. I have decided I hate trying on clothes with DD in stores. The rooms are too small, I hate wrestling her shoes off and new clothes on (it's like dressing a noodle), then trying to rein her in because she is dancing all over the store in her new outfit. The last store was a REAL treat. No dressing rooms, just a few curtains hanging from the ceiling. She would bump the curtain and the whole thing would sway, and give me vertigo like you would not believe. And she kept squealing that somebody was going to see her, because it was just a curtain ring. Odd, the child that will dance in front of the patio door naked from a bath is worried that somebody might see her underwear in a store. Perhaps it is the Barbie underwear she is protecting. By the time we were done, I was exhausted and 'carsick'. Now today, I just want to be a slug. A big, down wrapped, chocolate sipping, tv watching slug. Ruby keeps looking at me and saying "Why fight it? Come take a nap. A nap would be good. I won't even try to drink from your cup or anything. Let's go take that nap. Just don't let the cats up". Trying to hypnotize me with those little bug eyes and long eyelashes. She batts them at me, and closes her eyes halfway to look pitiful. And she pouts. It's amazing how many expressions pugs have. And it's starting to work, because that nap sounds just about right. And as far as drinking from my cup? Don't trust her for a minute.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Hand em over, Bucko.

I think I remember why I packed the grabbers into a tote and hid them in the basement. They scream out for miss-use by passers-by, that's why. First DD spent an hour trying to pick up objects from the floor, and attempting to pinch my behind when I wasn't looking. Only, she was THROWING objects on the floor to pick up, and trying to sneak up on me while giggling like a loon and saying "turn around and don't look". Not the best stealth tactics and enough to make me insane. I finally wrestled the grabbers from her and set them beside my chair. Which is where DH grabbed them from. First, he walked around picking up stuff from the floor. "Hey, this is great!" I thought. "He is doing the picking up". Only to notice that while he is picking items up off the floor, he is depositing them right back where he found them once he is successful in picking them up - which means back on the floor. When he got bored with that, he started picking things up from other surfaces and transferring them to a new one. A pencil was pinched from the coffee table and placed on a tv tray. A remote was removed from the tray and placed on the couch. There was an unsuccessful attempt to straighten the blanket on the back of the couch using the grabbers, but that was abandoned after a lot of trying. And grunting. A good five minutes was spent harassing the cats. And he would have harassed Ruby too, but she is sleeping under my desk and I refused to move out of the way so he could get at her. I took them away when he tried to molest me with them. I told him he has three light sabers to harass and threaten with, he doesn't need my grabbers too. Now he is sitting there looking bored. I bought two Pilates DVD's yesterday. They will fit in nicely with the rest of my un-used exercise video library I am sure ;). Actually, I am kind of excited to try the one, which can be done sitting in a chair. I have trouble doing exercises that call for lying on a mat or a lot of legwork. I am hoping I can up my fitness level this way before starting something that involves too much leg. It comes with some sort of exercise band, which from the picture looks like a deflated green balloon. I think I might get the most exercise keeping that band away from DH, DD and the cats. We all know that none of them can keep their hands off things, especially things that scream for miss-use. I can just imagine the stretching, flinging, and snapping of body parts that might ensue. No, it is of the utmost importance to keep that band hidden at all costs, methinks. When I was standing in front of the DVD display, reading backs of cases and sorting them into piles based on the chances I will a)be able to complete one session and b)actually try them more than once, I noticed a young male employee watching me. I was trying to look pretty absorbed in my reading of the cases. I just was in dread of this guy looking me over, and deciding that a Pilates video would kill me. Or being directed to the "diet" section. When he sauntered over, I was actually considering bolting. But I really wanted to try pilates, so stood my ground. He did look me over, and size me up. Then he gave me an enormous, impossibly bright white smile, and said "The guy in this video has better buns. But if you are a beginner, these ones are easier to follow and explain the moves in more detail. Plus at any time during a session you can press a button to see a close up demo of the move and get more detailed instructions. And it comes with an exercise band, so all you need is a chair and shoes to start". I smiled back, but my smile was not nearly as white and perfect. Sure, it would have been nice to watch the buns. Maybe I'll get that DVD later, as a reward ;).

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

What can you do, grumpinella grumpinella

...what can you do grumpinell from the zoo! According to my husband, I am grumpy. Right now he is vacuuming using the new machine, and keeps "updating" me on how well it is working. He wants me to come see. It's a freaking vacuum. Either the floor is clean or it is not, there is no reason for me to come look. He just peeked his head around the corner to inform me that the built in duster does not work. It works, you can't go flailing about with it. Basically he made a sweep of a dusty shelf, then flung the thing back and forth in the air to see if it held the dust. Nope, it does not, he said as clumps of dusty fuzz fell to the ground. You can't swing it around like a sword, you dope! Honestly. I think he does this on purpose so that I can get pissed off at him. Maybe he likes when my face turns purple and that vein does that funny thing in my temple. Being funny is one thing, but not being helpless or stupid, and really today is not a good day for being funny now that I think about it. I'm not in the mood. It doesn't help that it seems the more hostile I am, the more he "gets it" either. In better news, I finally bought myself a pair of "ugly shoes". Crocs, Air walkers, they come by many names now. But they look like big rubber clogs and usually come in bright colours. Mine are dark blue. I would have preferred apple green or bright pink or fleuroescent yellow, but there were no choices in my size. I figure if something is going to be THAT ugly, it should go ugly in a big way, but that is just me I guess. I am using them to kick myself, because though they had been recommended to me a long time ago by a people I trust and whose opinions I value in these matters (waving madly to several people at the KT), I just never thought about it. But there was a buy-one-get-one-half-price sale at the shoe store, and we needed one more pair of shoes to get half price. And there they were - ugly as sin and beckoning to me. I wore them to make dinner last night, and have barely taken them off since. Paired with my special socks that are short, breathable, and non-rubbing for diabetic feet, I am in tootsie heaven. These really are like walking on air. Don't know if I could, like, walk around the mall in them, but they are super comfy. I do believe my legs even cramped a bit less last night. Though that could be wishful thinking. And in other bad news, my sister's dog Tia is not doing well. She was found once again the other night, near death. Sugar down to 2, unresponsive, and starting to sieze. They got her to the vet in time, and after glucose she perked right up (syrup and jam at home did not help). Tia is not a big eater, and they think when she has a busy day she uses up her energy stores. Then she crashes when she sleeps because there is nothing to draw on. I don't know that she would get up at night and go eat if she was hungry anyway. I sent some of Ruby's food over to see if she would eat that, but she turned her nose up at it. And until you've seen a guinea-pig-sized poodle turn her nose up at something, you haven't seen anything LOL. She did eat some yogurt off a spoon though, and some fruit loops of all things. She won't eat at all when my sister is not there either. When I saw her.......well. Let's just say that she isn't herself and I am worried about her. The vet said she may have a tumour on her pancreas which could cause these crashes, but the tests are so expensive and there is no treatment anyhow, he advises to wait and see if she crashes again. Poor widdle thing. I get teary eyed when I think about it, I love that dog. *sniff sniff*. I am such a sap LOL. Sometimes the unexpected things in life are the best. Weeks after planting the garden, DD wanted to play in there and planted a packet of mixed seeds. Three of these sprouted, and they are the biggest, tallest sunflowers I have ever seen. They are above the level of her second story window! It would be great if at any point they were turned towards the window, but of course, sunflowers never face the way you want them to LOL. I didn't think they would bloom, they were planted so late. But they are proving me wrong. I guess there is no denying it. Jasmine is fat. And she is fat because she sleeps and eats at the same time. When she lies down she looks even fatter, because she spreads out like a pancake LOLOLOL. Here she is looking grumpy at me because the flash woke her from her nappy. Yes, she is using her dish as a pillow. And inside that dish is diet food, specially measured and doled out with an iron fist. She gets no other food, I swear. She must be catching some big, fat bugs in the basement or something. In which case, I am NOT going to deter her. *shudder*. And here is my little seal pup. Look how fat and shiny she is LOL. When she sleeps like this, she looks like a cross between a baby seal, a mole, and an otter. Her new coat is coming in glossy as coal. That makes me feel better about her home-made diet, even if she hasn't lost any weight. She hasn't gained any either, so there. The only thing I am going to change, is no longer buying her treats. Most dog treats are corn or wheat based. Pugs are prone to gunky ears, and I think Ruby' s ears are gunkier when she eats corn and wheat products. I plant to dehydrate meat, fruit, and veggie chips for her. At that point I will be doing more cooking and prepping for the dog, than for the family. Their choice ROFL.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Say cheese!

The workout room has been painted. There is no floor, and no ceiling. And no hope of ever getting the basement clean enough to get the crap out of there so we can put the exercise equipment in it. But it is painted, by golly! We wanted something bright. In another lifetime we painted parts of the basement blue. A nice cheerful robin's egg blue. Do you know what that blue looks like in a basement with no natural light, and only the lumens of a single 40 watt light bulb? Can you say dingy dungeon???? We have since discovered that when it comes to rooms with low light, yellows are our best bet. But we wanted something a little stronger than just yellow. We chose a colour called "Spiced butternut". It is the colour of birds legs. Or a cheese slice. Not a kraft cheese slice, that is too orange. A no-name cheese slice is about right. And since half of the one wall is cement and we painted that too, does it EVER look like cheese. Not sure if working out in a room that reminds one of cheese is going to be counter-productive. Nice for the skin tone, though. Once the white cieling is up and flooring is down, it won't look so cheesey. I hope. In order to make this work, I had to go through my "bins" stored in the basement and see what had to be kept and what could be tossed. Most of it was old stuff from when I moved from the company office into the home office. Old enough to be shredded at this point, so shred we did. We had a regular shredding party. I have never seen DD have so much fun, putting things through that shredder. Glad she enjoyed it LOL. DH was just overjoyed that some of the bins are empty now and can be used for something else. We still have some "communal" totes to go through, but we made a lot of headway. We have to make enough room not only for the crap that is in the livingroom, but for the christmas decorations and the suitcases as well. I want my bedroom back, darn it. I found some things I forgot I had, which might prove useful. My grabbers, for example. I knew I still had them! Now I can pick things up without bending over or crawling around on the floor. My heating pad. Hallelujah! Now I can use it at night, to help decramp my legs. It's also good exercise, fighting the cats off it so I can use it. My bug zapper. It is a thing that looks sort of like a tennis racket, and has a mesh of metal wires that become electrified when you press a button. I haven't used it, but when my sister got hers it was a right hilarious time, watching people zap themselves thinking "how bad can it be?" only to realize that DAMN this thing packs a punch. It is for that reason it got packed away without batteries, I am so scared DD will hurt herself with it, or somehow one of the animals will get zapped. I saw it take down a huge adult man. Granted, he decided to shock himself on the NOSE for goodness sake. I will never understand "boys" and their games ROFL. A few of my paintings, one of which brought tears to my eyes. I don't know what it is about the picture that does it to me, it's a depiction of vegetables and a cartoonish sun for goodness sake. But it turned out so well, and I just can't believe that I DID that. I tossed another picture that I painted and scanned to make fall cards out of, since I had the digital capture and the original was getting ratty. I decided the veggie picture is not going back into a box, but will be displayed somewhere. Just not sure where yet. Some of my adverts and cartoons I made for the social committee at work. You know, to announce sales of raffle tickets or special promotions. Let's just say, this little pile of doodles really confirmed that I have an odd sense of humour. It made me wonder, though. What happened to that creativity? I have to find it again. Not just every once in a while around a holiday, but in the every day. And I found a few more things, bits and bobs like my mini stapler, a favourtie coffee mug, that sort of thing. Some things (like the unicorn statue) were passed right to my daugher, and others (like the fake soft baseball and the squeaky "computer bug") were passed to Ruby. I gave some things to DH as well (a mini tool kit, and a flash light that is too hard for me to turn on anyway). I think I found the root of my problem. I have too much STUFF. More on that another day, I have to bring DD to buy shoes. This is our third try. If we don't get her some today, she'll be starting school in flip flops.