Monday, January 22, 2007

Pass the bleach

DD has been sick since last Wednesday. She went to school today, but she still has that cough. And I hate to sound like a bad and uncaring mommy, but seeing as she hasn't been but two feet away from me since then that cough is starting to wear thin. She has a habit of coughing once right in my face, then remembering and covering her mouth for the next one. I feel like I have been bathed in the plague. Then last night, we went out to dinner with DH's family (two birthdays) and I was seated across from another plague carrier who coughed all over the table, me, my food, my coffee. I am not kidding, loud hacking coughs NO ATTEMPT TO COVER THE MOUTH and this is an adult. She coughed directly on my plate as the waiter put it down. I couldn't even bring myself to push it away, let alone eat it. At that point I had managed to protect my coffee well enough, when to my horror she grabbed my spoon, stirred her own drink with it, LICKED IT OFF, then deftly dropped the spoon into my cup. I do believe if you could have opened my brain at that moment, you would have seen a mess of sparking wires and a big ole exclamation mark (like in the cartoons). In my defence my security was temporarily disabled because I was cutting DD's chicken when she did it. The final straw was when they had ordered dessert, and she started laughing, then choking, then coughing and literally coughed a big blob of ice cream onto my face. I kid you not. It flew across the table and landed on my FACE. I jumped up like I had been burned, my chair flew out behind me and the table moved up a few inches. The din of the room stopped immediately (I think it was the sound of my chair scraping across the floor. Or it could be the big, shocked intake of breath DH made when he saw it happen) and everybody was staring at me. I couldn't say anything, all I could do was run to the bathroom. I won't go into details about the scrubbing that ensued. Suffice it to say that I won't be needing a chemical peel any time soon. When I finally came out, DH was at the bathroom door with my coat and purse. The car and the child were ready. "I figured you would be ready to go home about now". He was pretty right about that. The person doing the coughing is the same person who stood and ate out of the dishes at DD's party (it was served buffet style) and again at an event at the Hospice. They put out coffee and cookies and fruit trays, and she stood there and ate off the trays (even taking a bite of something and putting it back) rather than taking a few things on a plate. Not to mention hooting and saying "Hoo, that cookie was DRY. Don't take one of those. It's so DRY" as she put her finger right on one of them on a platter. She poked melon cubes with her finger looking for soft ones too. She can be nice enough (except when something upsets her and she can be quite deranged) but she has no concept of personal space or basic hygiene. I am not talking hand washing or body odour, but more along the lines of sharing bodily fluids with unwilling bystanders. There were several messages on the answering machine already when we got home, mostly accusing me of ruining the evening because I left "early". Early my butt, they were done and one of them was already sitting in the car. This one guy, the minute he finishes eating (and he eats his entire meal in three bites) he will go sit in the car by himself. No, he is not a child. He's 45. They wanted us to join them for dessert at one of their houses (they already had dessert at the restaurant, but they are sugar fiends) and I told dh he can go but I am certainly not, and DD didn't want to go without me. He said "I can't go by myself. They'll ask too many questions. What would I say?". I suggested 'kiss my arse and pass the bleach' but apparently that is not appropriate ;).

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

At least DH knew where you would be wanting to go after being spit on... You need to invite more people so that you don't always end up across from these people... To bad you couldn't have stayed home with a sick child..

Anonymous said...

You'd like some of our relatives... they wait until everyone has partaken of their pitch-in itme [relish tray usually] then they pack it up & leave for home.

arline said...

Hi! Just found your link from the Cooking Forum. I think I'm too outspoken: I would have politely, but firmly, asked if she wouldn't mind covering her coughing with her hand as we all suffer from a "suppressed immune system!" Your link to "you sitting at the kitchen table" sends me to the Garden Web Home page, in case you wanted to know.

red dirt mummy said...

Ooooh, nasty! Just reading about it is making me feel ill, I don't even want to think about what it was like actually sitting there. At least DH knew you would be wanting to go home at that point and was ready and waiting for you.

Margot said...

Ew, ick, bleargh, ahhhhhhhhh! I'm not sure I could have stayed that long. Feel free to speak up, it doesn't sound like you can do any more damage. YUCK!!

Anonymous said...

Actually the link takes you to ThatHomeSite homepage. You'll find Dances at the Kitchen Table!

gardengrl (from the CF) said...

Dances,

I'm beginning to think everyone in Canada (besides you) is deranged!

I would have went ballistic and called that person on her bad behavior a LOOOOONNNG time ago. Her behavior is actually a very passive agressive form of control.

Why do you hang out with people who make you feel bad about yourself? I know they're family, but honey, you need to start setting some boundaries or else everyone you know will continue to wipe their feet on you (or spit).

Let people like that know you will NOT be in the presence of their company unless they treat you with respect. If they don't like it, tough! This will also teach your daughter what self respect looks like. Right now, the example you set for her says, "I'm not worthy of being treated well and I don't stand up for myself. Unhealthy people are to be tolerated."

Food for thought Dances. There's more at stake than your own hurt feelings when there's children in the picture. Think about the examples you set for your daughter.

JazmynsMom said...

Dances, this video is a bit didactic, but I bet your daughter could understand it pretty easily if you watched it together: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8574515984097771637
(if the link doesn't work, google "do it in our sleeves" with the quotation marks included)

Hearing it come from someone other than you might help her understand that it's not just "your quirk" but good manners... You could then make a game of rating her future coughs and sneezes.

As for your germy relation: Eeeew! Perhaps you need to take up pottery and fashion a custom plate with a sneeze guard on the opposing side so that when you sit across from her, your food is protected... at least from the larger infectious globules she spews towards you... Blech!

Anonymous said...

Dances, I swear I have to stop drinking my coffee when reading your blogs.
LOLOL You make me laugh. Sorry about the germs. I am the same way - ewww - keep them to yourself. Everytime you get together with your MIL I know there will be a good story that will come out of it. Oh yeah, thanks for the memories of smelt fishing and gutting. LOL Could eat them then but not now. LOL

Anonymous said...

Well -- I think you should write to "Miss Manners" and find out the truly polite way to deal with this disgusting person... Other than my way - which would be to go to lunch along with them & proceed to cough, sneeze -ok well eat from their plate first.. then proceed to the coughing, etc. Heck don't order lunch for yourself.