Monday, January 22, 2007
Pass the bleach
DD has been sick since last Wednesday. She went to school today, but she still has that cough. And I hate to sound like a bad and uncaring mommy, but seeing as she hasn't been but two feet away from me since then that cough is starting to wear thin. She has a habit of coughing once right in my face, then remembering and covering her mouth for the next one. I feel like I have been bathed in the plague. Then last night, we went out to dinner with DH's family (two birthdays) and I was seated across from another plague carrier who coughed all over the table, me, my food, my coffee. I am not kidding, loud hacking coughs NO ATTEMPT TO COVER THE MOUTH and this is an adult. She coughed directly on my plate as the waiter put it down. I couldn't even bring myself to push it away, let alone eat it. At that point I had managed to protect my coffee well enough, when to my horror she grabbed my spoon, stirred her own drink with it, LICKED IT OFF, then deftly dropped the spoon into my cup. I do believe if you could have opened my brain at that moment, you would have seen a mess of sparking wires and a big ole exclamation mark (like in the cartoons). In my defence my security was temporarily disabled because I was cutting DD's chicken when she did it. The final straw was when they had ordered dessert, and she started laughing, then choking, then coughing and literally coughed a big blob of ice cream onto my face. I kid you not. It flew across the table and landed on my FACE. I jumped up like I had been burned, my chair flew out behind me and the table moved up a few inches. The din of the room stopped immediately (I think it was the sound of my chair scraping across the floor. Or it could be the big, shocked intake of breath DH made when he saw it happen) and everybody was staring at me. I couldn't say anything, all I could do was run to the bathroom. I won't go into details about the scrubbing that ensued. Suffice it to say that I won't be needing a chemical peel any time soon. When I finally came out, DH was at the bathroom door with my coat and purse. The car and the child were ready. "I figured you would be ready to go home about now". He was pretty right about that. The person doing the coughing is the same person who stood and ate out of the dishes at DD's party (it was served buffet style) and again at an event at the Hospice. They put out coffee and cookies and fruit trays, and she stood there and ate off the trays (even taking a bite of something and putting it back) rather than taking a few things on a plate. Not to mention hooting and saying "Hoo, that cookie was DRY. Don't take one of those. It's so DRY" as she put her finger right on one of them on a platter. She poked melon cubes with her finger looking for soft ones too. She can be nice enough (except when something upsets her and she can be quite deranged) but she has no concept of personal space or basic hygiene. I am not talking hand washing or body odour, but more along the lines of sharing bodily fluids with unwilling bystanders. There were several messages on the answering machine already when we got home, mostly accusing me of ruining the evening because I left "early". Early my butt, they were done and one of them was already sitting in the car. This one guy, the minute he finishes eating (and he eats his entire meal in three bites) he will go sit in the car by himself. No, he is not a child. He's 45. They wanted us to join them for dessert at one of their houses (they already had dessert at the restaurant, but they are sugar fiends) and I told dh he can go but I am certainly not, and DD didn't want to go without me. He said "I can't go by myself. They'll ask too many questions. What would I say?". I suggested 'kiss my arse and pass the bleach' but apparently that is not appropriate ;).