Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Gobble gobble gobble

Well, Canadian Thanksgiving is over. We had turkey and duck and all the acoutrements expected. My mother and grandmother made "grandma's cabbage rolls" and even DH had several. That right there tells you how good they are, when a vehement veggie hater will eat them cabbage and all. We had a good long week-end. Saturday I cleaned out the fridge. I mean "disassembled the parts and wiped everything with bleach" cleaned. It is so bright and shiny it felt a shame to put anything back into it. I keep forcing people to look in there, I am so proud. The Fedex guy gave me an odd look and refused to come in and see. No manners at all. Now, this might have been the only REAL accomplishment, but getting anything done at all on a long week-end qualifies for quadruple points. Right? I am being brave tonight. I am trying squash. It is a "sweet potato" squash. It has been cleaned, peeled, cut into cubes and is at the moment being roasted with gourmet baby potatoes, brussel sprouts, and onions. My whole life I have loved the smell and look of the stuff, but I just cannot eat it. Is it the stringiness? Maybe. I have successfully eaten butternut squash in SAVORY operations. I think it is the sweetness that turns me off, when people cover it with sugar and cinnamon. Blech. I used to hate sweet potatoes too, until I tried them tossed with butter and cajun seasoning (parcooked) and grilled. Oh my goodness, they were good. Since then I have had them baked and seasoned with salt and pepper, also very good. It was the goopy "candied mess" that I objected to all along. I have told myself that it is silly to be afraid to try something again. My eyes may water and my throat might close up, but I am going to eat those little golden cubes if it kills me. I used to be afraid to try avocados. Scairt to the core, actually. But I finally did it, and was pleasantly surprised and now I really like them (although I don't get them often). Another surprise was brussel sprouts, as they had been my nemesis most of my childhood. I would sit for hours staring a brussel sprout in the face. I would have rathered sleep sitting up in the kitchen than dare die the horrible death sure due to me if I ate that diabolical thing. Now that I am older, I can appreciate their horribleness. Especially tossed with olive oil and butter and seasonings and roasted. Look like hell, taste like heaven. My daughter (the piece of angel food cake that she is) is insisting that I am a horrible abusive mother because I didn't even start cooking dinner until 4 pm and the pork roast is not done and it is after five and almost SIX and she is starving and this is just not fair. Forget the seven hundred snacks she has had since she got home. I tried explaining that when I get my new job, we will be eating later because my schedule will change for sure, and I am just getting her used to that. Most likely I won't be able to work from home, I mean let's be real. And if I get the job of the calibre I want, we are talking high intensity minimum fifty hours per week. Dinner, henceforth, is at six. She is not happy. Dh does not like that idea either, but the other option is that he cooks dinner for two weeks straight (rotating shifts). He doesn't like that idea either. There is no pleasing some people. So I came to a revelation in therapy today. Please, humour me. I think maybe I didn't understand that married people were supposed to be happy and get along and WANT to be with each other. My grandparents had issues in their marriage (on all sides). My parents, my siblings, I didn't really have a "good" marriage to use as a model. In fact, as it turns out, the few "good" marriages I knew were actually horribly flawed. And not behind closed doors, but right there out in the open. Simply being married for a long time and not having killed each other, it turns out, is NOT the only marriage goal. Who knew? Insisting that others make you happy is not right. Trying to make yourself be happy even when everything is wrong is not right either. Sometimes "making it work" is not the right goal. I have been spending some quiet time, thinking about myself. Delving into that scary place in my mind, my true self. Not the self that bakes cute cookies for DD's class at school, or donates canned goods, or brings my share to the family holiday meal. The real me. The me that knows I might as well pipe the words "please like me, please think I am a good person" on those cookies. The me that says if I do good things than the world will see that I am a good person even though I don't feel like I deserve to be thought of that way. The me that brings as much as I can and contributes whatever I can even thought it might over-extend me, in the hopes that I can appease the karma gods with the sacrifice and make things - for ONCE - turn out nicely for EVERYBODY. Not just me. Every body. The me that wants to fix things so that for once I can sleep well and not feel like throwing up all the time. The cipralex and paxil and whatever help with the biological reasons for feeling these things, but I never really dealt with the true psychological issues. It is time I do. Put your seatbelt on, right about here. First of all, in practice I am a kind and loving and caring person (mostly). But am I that way because I really am that kind of person? Or am I that way because a)I want people to perceive me that way, b)I want people to like me and feel these are desirable traits that attract others, c)The part of me that is a control freak and insists on following rules simply won't let me break those laws and mores that I perceive all "good citizens" should live by. Am I a nice person because I am, or because I won't allow myself to NOT be this way for various reasons. Am I even a nice person at all? I am self centered and self involved (for those of you that are new. *cough*). Do I easily forget peoples names and birthdays and important dates because I am forgetful? Scatter brained? Busy? Artistic? After all, geniuses all have their quirks. Or is it because those things don't pertain to ME, and thus my mind feels they are unimportant to retain. Sigh. I don't know. So many things came up today that I don't even know where to start or end or what. Any ideas?


Anonymous said...

I think you are a genius.

Hubby and I just had a big blow over THESE VERY ISSUES and not only have you given me some tremendous insight (as in 'I am NOT alone in this world! There are others like me and, they like me!) but some topics my soul and I will search.

You're a peach darlin!
A gem!
I love ya!

Lori the anonymous

Anonymous said...

Birthdays other than yours? we're supposed to remember that other people are having BD's too? I think you're a nice & thoughtful person..even when you're crabby -- cause you always have a good reason for it! I think anyone who is ALWAYS happy is on serious medications for a reason... then there are those who refuse to EVER be happy [slip them some meds please] They also drive me nuts... Whiners whiners whiners.. and I can whine with the best of them... Can we just get everyone to recite the "Serenity Prayer' every morning...