Saturday, July 19, 2008

Just so you know

Spraying your entire body with Febreeze? Doesn't take the marijuana smell off you. It makes you smell like pot and Febreeze. Just so you know. Now, not that I have needed that info for my personal self, but a person we met recently really needs this advice. Of course, this is after my daughter had hers over several times to swim and play. DD was at their house for a short time before going for a bike ride but hasn't asked to go back because "their house smells funny and the dad sits on the couch in his underwear. And they both smoke in the house". And of course, she tells us this more than a week after she went there. My child needs to get quicker with the 411. So anyway. Sometimes there are things we want to tell people, but just can't for one reason or another. Like the other day, when a woman asked me to watch her toddler while she ran to the bathroom in a store. I didn't even have DD with me, and frankly, I looked a mess. I wanted to say "Excuse me, but I cannot watch your child because I am a STRANGER. A stranger that looks like a public health risk. A stranger that looks like she might have a mental illness (why ever else would she dress like that and leave the house with that hair and a knitted purse in 90 degree heat and 100% humidity?). This is not a good idea at all". Of course, I didn't say that because we all know I am not going to steal or hurt the child. Plus she walked away before I could even reply. Or the time I politely said it was okay when somebody bumped me with their cart in the grocery store. It was a hard hit, and really, I was pretty pissed off about it. It jarred my back, and if they had been paying more attention to where they were going instead of talking loudly on a cellphone AND rifling through stuff in the cart while moving, maybe it could have been avoided. It wasn't so much the bump that ticked me off, but the off-hand way the apology was muttered like it was annoying to have to say anything to the person they just rammed into a shelf. Wouldn't it be so freeing to walk up to that person wearing so much perfume you can taste it in the air, and say "YOU STINK. Wash off some of that perfume. You smell like a hooker". Or to the person who bypasses the line and walks right up to the counter and shouts an order that "even vultures are smart enough to wait their turn!"? When a co-worker asks if you "would mind" doing something for them that obviously is crap work or else they would do it themselves, to say that you really DO mind and don't have time to take a pee, let alone do their work for them. But we don't say these things (for the most part ROFL!). We smile politely and do what we are supposed to do as dictated by pleasant society. All the while thinking about what we WANT to say. Sometimes these thoughts are so contrary to my usual, outward self that it makes me laugh. I mean one of those startled snorting laughs when something is so outrageous laughing is about the only thing you can do. We were at the mall and a young man pushed down a senior and stole her shopping bag. There was a chase. He got tackled, and the good samaritan held him down until a secuity guard caught up to them and helped get him up. They were holding his arms tightly and he was fighting to get away, and was yelling and whining that they were holding his arms too tight and hurting him. What sprang into my mind? What brand of "serves you right" dances across my cerebral cortex at that moment? "Shut your piehole. Just be glad that guy doesn't snap your fucking neck like a twig". Of course, I didn't say it out loud. ;)

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